Speechless

Would it be to much to say what people are thinking, but not saying?  Would it be to much to say what people are saying, but not thinking? 

Long over due on my part, but never really came through for anyone that I knew though on their start.  Yes I understand that I did such horrible wicked deeds as a young one.  It wasn't in my place to forget and skedaddle out of that place I once knew?  If it wasn't mine, then whose was it to tell me what I should think and feel?  As far as I'm concerned, the things I thought and felt belonged to me and were really no ones beeswax.  Besides, it was an outrage the kind of child I was, but to make known what I was feeling or thinking out loud would of had me cursed by people no doubt.  So I knew...

As easy as it was for me to forget, move on in my life ever to look back, but only upon my grams, and live each day ahead as a dream I didn't dream!  A smile from ear to ear is what many people saw me hanging from every moment I could.  Going about my life from day to day making no beans what anyone else did, and some days noticing a bubble I had blew around myself when I didn't know better.  Yet still living my life having no recurrence's in the things I had left, or the way I use to think as an evil kid.  On that note, I knew whatever I had done was done right, that's why I was able to forget and leave it all behind.  Never being haunted in no way, shape, or form and living my life the complete opposite as guilt sought the little things that made known my big things life crazily rolled away with.

One night I was sitting outside talking with someone I always found chit chat, and all of a sudden she blurted something that visualized all things I had forgotten for so long.  I remember in that time that I clearly looked back as this carried aside emotions of denial, shame, sorrow, guilt, fear, and wonder.  I was thinking, "How could I forget so long?  This woman has no idea what I went through, and so I might as well just seem speechless... If she wants to bring it up like that without saying anything, then she doesn't deserve my side of the story I know so well."  I knew it was something that arose back into my life, but I didn't see how or when it would show itself.  Every bit that was remembered I felt so bad to have brought torment to someone.  As I understood myself to good of the pain and suffering too I knew being by the drop end of fate.

The thought crossed my mind to apologize, but no spark of courage found its way to let me spill it all out.  There I was left in my own silence wondering what the hell just happened when it was held by my responsibility to bring about.  All the troubles I had went through in life couldn't prepare me to ask for forgiveness desperate in this time.  Days came and gone with same reactions I was learning to send my thought of sorrow towards the ones I wronged, while being a nightmarish child.  The memories set me to remember this that had happened, and I never ever spoke to any living soul neither. 

When I remember the notion to apologize became less and less because they weren't the only ones who lived a hellish one.  Not only that, I went through the same and as far as I was concerned it happened more and by no means to compare.  Given' this, it was at a young age I was willing to forgive and forget because I surely didn't want to get any older having these memoirs taunt any sanity my life could muster.  Apologies I did flutter, but only towards the experiences I found had some raw emotion intertwined within at least. 

Specifically recent only days speaking, a dark fragment felt as if lifted and by a wink of my eye I remembered that wasn't all I went through as a young child.  I remembered that I chose to leave my past behind because the pain was nothing my future could bare. I was ultimately trying to kill myself, or somehow find change so I didn't ever have to feel or think that way again.  Being alone most of my young teenage years gave me the opportunity to pay attention within myself to see what I could do for myself out of myself.  One day I caught my long known emotions and feelings trying to make way into my day, and from there I changed everything I didn't like about myself.  As easy as it may sound.  Through this particular incidence my life spared for me those things difference draws a line.  I learned what kind of person I was, I learned what kinds of feelings and emotions I had, I learned what feelings and emotions are, and most of all I learned what myself is about with this inside me.  When it was all said and done one day during the day I watched my turmoil float away and I wondered if I would ever see that again.  The longer my turmoil stayed away the more I began to find joy and happiness feeling like my life was brand new.  I don't know what a million bux feels like, but I knew that's what I felt like!  Greatly I was so young when I made this change, the choice to change is one that I made for me, and boosted a bit in the fact that I did it by myself. 

Growing up a sick and twisted child I knew and always felt there was something wrong with me, but didn't know exactly so I was left in tears through a lot of my young years.  The memories I remember of my childhood I can probably count on one hand.  Blocking occasions out at my oneself wasn't a hard thing to do.  Understanding what I had to do to change.  Makes me think that no one did the worst imaginable to me, but maybe I was born with this way of being.  Also remembering how many times there I was wanting to kill someone.  Showing itself seemingly clear minded visually more and more often.  The fact that there were two different embodies inwardly of psychopaths I dealt with as a young child.  Leads me to believe that this was more than fate or a string of bad luck coming together, but things like this people are born with.  Right here in this time I have no power to point fingers to anyone because simple addition tells me I was born with these.  Yes I may have been able to let one go, but also recognizing the other was still well within that's why I have anger problems always ready to explode with stupid nonsense that shouldn't exist here next to me.  Wandering around the playground as an elementary student with one embody where I blacked out and reached for the unthinkable that labeled me as one who couldn't keep my hands to myself for the rest of my life, secondly the embody which had the desire to kill people day after day and eventually started showing me how it should be done.  Is the reason I tried killing myself a time or two.  The older I got the more I didn't want to go through those feelings any more, but didn't know how I could go about it.  One beautiful spur of the moment, most likely, it just hit me that the only way I could feel different was to change those two that embody myself within. 

If it wasn't for people in general I would probably still be living my life as if I had went through nothing my whole life.  I'm not happy that I remembered these things, but to also remember these that I overcame by myself, out of my will power, and the way it was done will always be with me filling me up pridefully.  As hard as my childhood was the need to tell one soul what I was going through didn't find anywhere near.  The capability to forgive and forget I did leave in the past there buried deeply.  This is the second time I am going through this, and this time when I leave it behind I am doing it in the light of course hoping it will stay here.  If it happens to come up again I will without a doubt give way to more of what I went through. 

From going through the childhood I did I learned a lot about pedophiles, serial killers, people in general, feelings, emotions, bodily motions, facial expressions, wants, needs, the mind, the heart, and myself indeed.  I came to understand these people as pedophiles, and serial killers are able to change if their help was done the right way.  What is wrong with them doesn't dwell in their minds but is something that is at will under all we come to know inside.  There are some that black out like I did, some are destroyed as I was to find we are someone this way, all have no control over this as it overpowers us that we do not know, and I remember what I went through to change so therefore older people of this nature the outlook is grim I hate to say.  I still believe that is not the final anyone can judge and point to!

A past of mine brings shame upon a shameless person, understanding in everything these embodiments of sin' swept through my life, knowledge that has the power to sustain me forever, confidence my self esteem never has to think twice of binding, and knowing myself inside and out by being in tune here and everywhere.  Definitely to see all the way through is that you wont ever find anyone better with this within than me, myself, and I.

~ Much Love & Respects ~

           FlowerStar