A Change In My Chain

Be my guest, the door is wide open for anyone to judge me from things I've done during my young age. Also remember as you pass your judgement, I surely seek in haste to pass your way a righteous judgement that you've judged a child. A child you know nothing therein or what this child has been through. 100x fold. 

I hated the person I came to know as a young child. I didn't care one bit what others thought of me, but I only knew that I didn't want to live the rest of my life funked up. Reaching a place my young teenage years beginning to hate men. The desire grew within to hurt men that I felt were sickened to me. 


Living at my mothers house most days alone, I used these days to dig deep within, and would eventually change every part of me emotionally. This grueling process of having to get to know myself emotionally was what I put myself through. In the end, turning out to take months because the order for me to grab ahold of this entity, I had to get deep inside my feelings and emotions.

At the peak of noticing this chain embedded snug in its own embodiment, I suffered episodes within my own inward bounds as I endured no control what so ever. I one day realized an opportunity to free myself of this one I hated so much. Over these lonely rides I strayed away staying at my mothers house. Determined and alone, yet hoping I could learn what I needed to get whatever this was, being tucked below my rooted heartfelt feelings. This being new to me, I grasped an unexplained surfacing which left me in shock by what seemed to be ever mindful to its own. While time went on I'd wait as it might arise again as it came and went, and there given a glance by mine that I may find change deep inside for good. I was able to watch this afloat from underneath up towards my left side which barely touched above my rib cage. It came to this same place on my left side each and every surfacing. I was overwhelmed that I had made it one step in understanding how I can get it out of me. Once I learned a movement pattern I paid dear attention, bringing me near finding change I desperately sought and sacrificed for. Moments when I tried handling my innards, I came to understand how I felt like a stranger within. I was blind and mute to all that was invested in my heart. Moving forward I began amusingly to hear two voices coming from inside my being. As I listened to these voices days at a time, I started to distinguish where these voices were coming within. One came from my head on my shoulders, and the other voice sprouted deep within my heartfelt emotions. My brief curious entertainment I played around with both voices inside, and quickly learned very well the difference between the two. When my enjoyment of these voices died down, I snapped back to the work I set myself out to do. Then it was there upon that instance, I had to make a decision to which voice I wanted to follow for the rest of my life. Of course because I was already fiddling within, I chose to follow the voice coming from my heart. After I got through these doors, I saw that I understood what was going on inside of me. My heart was filled with feelings and emotions old and new. I now knew to thoroughly go through gently inside these, that was left for me to  do. Each and every one I put my heart and soul into getting to know. It was in this experience that I learned about myself. Cherishing memories I decided to keep forever, and emotions in need of healing, which I mourned then let go. I carefully sifted inside and out, as I found in their each emotion having a form of its own. Months had gone with my caring through all that was mine, then coming to terms the person I was. An idea which empowered my imagination, to the characteristics I desired to hold within. Someday become apart of me. Just as I took great patience with my feelings and emotions, I played a good amount to ponder exactly what personalities I wanted to be. Given the work I had already accomplished within myself, and bearing my heart I polished clean. I knew the power to change was closing in. Here it was no question, that this unexplained surfacing needed my attention again. I gave this mindful one its own time showing me its routine all over, and whenever. I first tried to grab ahold, when it parked itself along my left side and that wasn't a win. With this it would take me a few more grabs before I tugged it out of me, and I watched it fly away. The feeling of letting that mindful one go was the best feeling I had felt in my whole entire life. Days later, I would keep an eye on everything going on inside of me to see if this mindful one had come back unknowingly. Days turned into weeks, and a month or two after I instinctively felt the mindful one was gone for good. Excited in knowing I was finally free from the one that didn't belong in me. I gazed once in my life, and relaxed the notion, my life finally belonged to me and new beginnings is what I was looking forward too. Sacrificing all I did to find change from I as a child which instilled within me; courage, self esteem, confidence, strength, wisdom, and a whole new outlook about me. This is exactly how I was able move on. Leaving the past in the past with no regrets. Proudly I did it on my own.

Living through this experience I learned endless knowledge about people. Knowledge in its understanding of feelings and emotions. Carried by every person no matter how old, living, or passed on spiritually.My heart held deep within my emotions and feelings, that weren't a stranger anymore. There was no one in this world or the next to tell me what kind of person I was from then on. I made a vouch to myself to always be there for people regardless, because the pains were much life had expressed to me. Along with that, a kindness I kept since a very young age. Anywhere in the span I experienced my trauma, not one person has shown to me, the understanding this occurance has wrought amidst my young life. The rest of me fell into place by the way. Going through this made me unique, and very cold bloody stubborn. Stubborn because I had already witnessed no one knew what was best for me. I must admit there were many times I had a lot of fun in this experience. I really enjoyed my moments for the greater good of getting to know me. I learned how to do things alone. Everything I chose to learn on my own came with a desire to learn good. Never being satisfied with a half ass job also taught me a lot more about myself, and life itself. Dwelling my foundation I have what it takes to be the best I can be, and shown in each and every direction possible.

                  ~ FlowerStar ~

"They" Will Come To Know Someday

Golden is truth as I excuse my precious voice to speak of this one. Shit there can even be two. Clumsiness in whatever way, shame they claim being unchangeable, and is heading straight towards their own no matter where they are. Believe, I FlowerStar, wasn't ever scared where fear didn't grow apart of me. This is what they can graft in infinite eternity. My straight line I have walked victoriously with balance, what they call "the power", and the ways they've broad casted that they understand not one bit universally.

To dream in their name any longer I despise, and of course I tally their debt through whatever they wrought. These that their puppets have nothing I wish from self righteousness, fabrications, and make-beliefs about "the ways" they comprehend nothing of. They know what I mean.

Besides, is it in their note exactly? Any that learned by my way, and this loudly blown in the wrong direction can end up deadly. I would do everything in my power to once pray under an image I've been in the presence of for quite some time. If desperation rubs near, don't ever forget the ways of mine I'm sure they've got tucked secretly. Yay, 'cause what's her face told me I was getting it back and there I saw what I did too. What are they trying to hurry and change... I ask kindly please don't delay.

Spiritually it may be my journey to "get it all back" myself. I'm never gonna give up to gather my belongings. Really, I don't know if we'll part ways, but they know I wouldn't be sad whatsoever. I would still, from they turn the opposite way ok.

In the mean time seated for a sweet treat to see the fruits I've sown along my way of the North, and that image from that time. Inside a walk of life balance has touched my gracious journey.

Spoken to they who've binded this life with myself since my first dream when I was 8 years old. If I didn't have to pay attention to I surely wouldn't. They should be feared as they carry a lot of power, yet as I have expressed how I feel and vice versa. Honestly, I don't think they know what we're expecting because this has never happened before! I don't anymore know they, but if I once did, then this may be a gift fate has passed to me. I know they aren't flattering, funny, and are demanding when they've got the upper hand. I believe they should find thanks as they have life in this time.

"I wouldn't go that way" 'is what I've told them cause the many people they've hurt. Also, this is what someone from within themselves prayed for ... to know the whole story! I walked this life, but been scammed and I'm sure you've all put your trust into this one!!

I speak with whomever I please as I didn't want any to learn on their own, then no lies would go around about it. Whoever wanted to see the whole story is the sole reason this stupidity goes on never ending. Blame they self if their prophecy doesn't come to pass as written.

I've said this once and I'm saying it again, they are these that give my appearance being dingy. Make funny and odd occurrences happen out of no where which mesmerizes their flattery. Finally people now know why I laugh, sometimes talk, get angry, gock when I'm bored, and tell off when I'm mad.

I can write novels about these three, but obviously only go so far because I myself can't stand any the thought of them staring me down. I don't wanna get sick anyway.

I'm not worried 'cause it's being told to you. I made the choice to talk about they, so I say "who gives a shit". That's all they've done is lie about me while I speak truths of them. They had to do a lot to get me (:D), and I don't think its gonna ease up for either side because they are chasing something which no longer exists. As for my side, well for the choices we made they chose to take us for a ride we'll never forget.
Aliens an all!

~FlowerStar~

Happy Mother's Day Ma'

Thank You Mother, for my precious breath, because of you I embrace life's gifts ~ 

~ Considering the journey you and I have been, my gratitude may gaze upon the coldest hour in the darkest night of winter  ~
 ~ Towards the depths of our infinite universe ~
 ~ With my heart inside, I praise your loving kindness and who or what are welcome to hear ~

 ~ I really wouldn't know what I'd do without you after everything you do, and do, and do for me ~

~ It's my obligation that you understand exactly what I say ~

Thank You Mother, for being such a strong woman throughout many difficult days ~

~ As your proud daughter I truly appreciate you ~
~ When I think about your life's obstacles, and the moments your strengths seem to always guide your family ~
 ~ You've carried yourself humbly ~
  ~ A wise woman you are indeed ~
~ As your daughter I must admit a time or two has passed, when I endured your thoughts 
and concerns ~
~ I definitely believe if this world could see you the same, they would cherish you just like I do ~

~ Each and every one of them too ~

Thank You Mother, for your unique individuality you've shown through thick and thin ~

~ Compliments to your awesomeness, being one of a kind genuinely from deep within ~ 

~ If ever a day comes to you out of the ordinary, and you needed yourself for a change!? ~
~ Be sure you find your happiness top priority above any ~
~ Ma', you deserve the sweetest of fruits meant for a Queen you are and will forever be ~
~ HAPPY MOTHERS DAY Ma' ~ 

~ FlowerStar ~

The Whole Picture

            Walking towards the South from the North into what I dreamt to be Burger King in Scottsdale AZ.  I looked to my right, and noticed people sitting at tables along the aisle in front of the register counter.  Before I made myself around the corner, I turned my head left to find on the wall a framed picture I happened to get a full view of.  I moved near, indulging myself in the detail this framed picture had drawn me to.  Oddly I could see perfectly a darkened whirl moving behind a figure of sorts in the mid, but it was the shadow that lead the figure across the painting.  Thinking to myself, something of this nature, "I know what all this is".   I glare deeper into the painting following this shadow leftward. The longer I kept my span on the painting I realized this had something to do with myself, thus my future.  Slightly I felt as if there was an entity creeping over my every thought, snapshot, and glide. Meanings I began to understand with no questions, while every blink opened my eyes a bit more wide. The sweet water notion obscures the framed picture painting, belated to say.  Then to be lifted from having been sunken outwardly, and this framed picture drifted further away.  I quickly glanced inside this whirling shadow.  Whom, or so I thought, instantly crept with a swift brush upon my eyes and head.  In this moment everything I puzzled together, yet exploring all of what my eyes only laid in sudden meaning droops blank. Until I shook my head side to side I slipped under a stupor. When I snapped out of these overcoming emotions of helplessness, I faced the painting pin-pointing where I left off.  With this very idea, I stood in place spending a sec or two trying to remember this painting I had come to know. Directly to follow this shadow again, and there it was made clear I caught the loss. I held my eyes onto the shadow instinctively backtracking the issue in my hand.  Recognizing a chilling feel of eyes, which were now watching me backtrack this situation.  Only for a purpose of breaking apart my passion pieces I set to portray.  A rush gave assurance that the whole picture would always be somewhere in sight.  


           Although the end of my dream didn't show much for my favor, but incidentally still doesn't keep me from knowing and understanding this dream in awaking. 


           I know the truth in every story does not cease to change even as my mind may droop blank, fall in a stupor, being the guinea pig of everything taught spiritually to those who have drowned themselves with make-believe beliefs, or unbelievably witness a shadow direct an image.


           I remember having this dream in 2000 - 2001. 

 ~ FlowerStar ~

Speechless

Would it be to much to say what people are thinking, but not saying?  Would it be to much to say what people are saying, but not thinking? 

Long over due on my part, but never really came through for anyone that I knew though on their start.  Yes I understand that I did such horrible wicked deeds as a young one.  It wasn't in my place to forget and skedaddle out of that place I once knew?  If it wasn't mine, then whose was it to tell me what I should think and feel?  As far as I'm concerned, the things I thought and felt belonged to me and were really no ones beeswax.  Besides, it was an outrage the kind of child I was, but to make known what I was feeling or thinking out loud would of had me cursed by people no doubt.  So I knew...

As easy as it was for me to forget, move on in my life ever to look back, but only upon my grams, and live each day ahead as a dream I didn't dream!  A smile from ear to ear is what many people saw me hanging from every moment I could.  Going about my life from day to day making no beans what anyone else did, and some days noticing a bubble I had blew around myself when I didn't know better.  Yet still living my life having no recurrence's in the things I had left, or the way I use to think as an evil kid.  On that note, I knew whatever I had done was done right, that's why I was able to forget and leave it all behind.  Never being haunted in no way, shape, or form and living my life the complete opposite as guilt sought the little things that made known my big things life crazily rolled away with.

One night I was sitting outside talking with someone I always found chit chat, and all of a sudden she blurted something that visualized all things I had forgotten for so long.  I remember in that time that I clearly looked back as this carried aside emotions of denial, shame, sorrow, guilt, fear, and wonder.  I was thinking, "How could I forget so long?  This woman has no idea what I went through, and so I might as well just seem speechless... If she wants to bring it up like that without saying anything, then she doesn't deserve my side of the story I know so well."  I knew it was something that arose back into my life, but I didn't see how or when it would show itself.  Every bit that was remembered I felt so bad to have brought torment to someone.  As I understood myself to good of the pain and suffering too I knew being by the drop end of fate.

The thought crossed my mind to apologize, but no spark of courage found its way to let me spill it all out.  There I was left in my own silence wondering what the hell just happened when it was held by my responsibility to bring about.  All the troubles I had went through in life couldn't prepare me to ask for forgiveness desperate in this time.  Days came and gone with same reactions I was learning to send my thought of sorrow towards the ones I wronged, while being a nightmarish child.  The memories set me to remember this that had happened, and I never ever spoke to any living soul neither. 

When I remember the notion to apologize became less and less because they weren't the only ones who lived a hellish one.  Not only that, I went through the same and as far as I was concerned it happened more and by no means to compare.  Given' this, it was at a young age I was willing to forgive and forget because I surely didn't want to get any older having these memoirs taunt any sanity my life could muster.  Apologies I did flutter, but only towards the experiences I found had some raw emotion intertwined within at least. 

Specifically recent only days speaking, a dark fragment felt as if lifted and by a wink of my eye I remembered that wasn't all I went through as a young child.  I remembered that I chose to leave my past behind because the pain was nothing my future could bare. I was ultimately trying to kill myself, or somehow find change so I didn't ever have to feel or think that way again.  Being alone most of my young teenage years gave me the opportunity to pay attention within myself to see what I could do for myself out of myself.  One day I caught my long known emotions and feelings trying to make way into my day, and from there I changed everything I didn't like about myself.  As easy as it may sound.  Through this particular incidence my life spared for me those things difference draws a line.  I learned what kind of person I was, I learned what kinds of feelings and emotions I had, I learned what feelings and emotions are, and most of all I learned what myself is about with this inside me.  When it was all said and done one day during the day I watched my turmoil float away and I wondered if I would ever see that again.  The longer my turmoil stayed away the more I began to find joy and happiness feeling like my life was brand new.  I don't know what a million bux feels like, but I knew that's what I felt like!  Greatly I was so young when I made this change, the choice to change is one that I made for me, and boosted a bit in the fact that I did it by myself. 

Growing up a sick and twisted child I knew and always felt there was something wrong with me, but didn't know exactly so I was left in tears through a lot of my young years.  The memories I remember of my childhood I can probably count on one hand.  Blocking occasions out at my oneself wasn't a hard thing to do.  Understanding what I had to do to change.  Makes me think that no one did the worst imaginable to me, but maybe I was born with this way of being.  Also remembering how many times there I was wanting to kill someone.  Showing itself seemingly clear minded visually more and more often.  The fact that there were two different embodies inwardly of psychopaths I dealt with as a young child.  Leads me to believe that this was more than fate or a string of bad luck coming together, but things like this people are born with.  Right here in this time I have no power to point fingers to anyone because simple addition tells me I was born with these.  Yes I may have been able to let one go, but also recognizing the other was still well within that's why I have anger problems always ready to explode with stupid nonsense that shouldn't exist here next to me.  Wandering around the playground as an elementary student with one embody where I blacked out and reached for the unthinkable that labeled me as one who couldn't keep my hands to myself for the rest of my life, secondly the embody which had the desire to kill people day after day and eventually started showing me how it should be done.  Is the reason I tried killing myself a time or two.  The older I got the more I didn't want to go through those feelings any more, but didn't know how I could go about it.  One beautiful spur of the moment, most likely, it just hit me that the only way I could feel different was to change those two that embody myself within. 

If it wasn't for people in general I would probably still be living my life as if I had went through nothing my whole life.  I'm not happy that I remembered these things, but to also remember these that I overcame by myself, out of my will power, and the way it was done will always be with me filling me up pridefully.  As hard as my childhood was the need to tell one soul what I was going through didn't find anywhere near.  The capability to forgive and forget I did leave in the past there buried deeply.  This is the second time I am going through this, and this time when I leave it behind I am doing it in the light of course hoping it will stay here.  If it happens to come up again I will without a doubt give way to more of what I went through. 

From going through the childhood I did I learned a lot about pedophiles, serial killers, people in general, feelings, emotions, bodily motions, facial expressions, wants, needs, the mind, the heart, and myself indeed.  I came to understand these people as pedophiles, and serial killers are able to change if their help was done the right way.  What is wrong with them doesn't dwell in their minds but is something that is at will under all we come to know inside.  There are some that black out like I did, some are destroyed as I was to find we are someone this way, all have no control over this as it overpowers us that we do not know, and I remember what I went through to change so therefore older people of this nature the outlook is grim I hate to say.  I still believe that is not the final anyone can judge and point to!

A past of mine brings shame upon a shameless person, understanding in everything these embodiments of sin' swept through my life, knowledge that has the power to sustain me forever, confidence my self esteem never has to think twice of binding, and knowing myself inside and out by being in tune here and everywhere.  Definitely to see all the way through is that you wont ever find anyone better with this within than me, myself, and I.

~ Much Love & Respects ~

           FlowerStar

Unconditional Love ~ A Road Less Traveled

No matter who you are, where you come from, and the language of your people. If you are someone I haven't met face to face or through a man made invention. I'll benefit the notion you are one and only like no other.

No matter what ups and downs time has arrayed in regards especially for you. Whether fate presents bitter or better that is meant your way in your name. I will lend optimism an open mind because you are one amongst billions.

Deep in my heart a warm blessing to know you simply because you are you... Who matters being one with this world, and living life set apart uniquely like our ancestors did way back when happily.

Swiftly our place is made, but ever where we use to meet the rising sun beginning our day isn't any longer. Maybe fall soundly asleep wandering a dream waiting on time to call an wake again. All other rest is granted therefore never knowing this world madly denying what could have been, or joyfully sharing keepsake memories with our loved ones these we fulfill no more.

A road less traveled, only walking a life lived by me. Often I graze proudly while fear holds no space deep within. Ultimately empowering my individuality. A hard life sure I admit plus painful to boot. Shame, is what I saw you thought preyed over me inside and out too huh. The price of course crept heavy burden oddly never minding my head, so here I wept and cried. Nevertheless a thrill ever so mellow balanced a mystery.

The walk my life came from this above I knew, and do value wondrously. Yes I understand one day my life I love will bring a new way unexpectedly.

My childhood treasures remember my gramma with her love and devotion. From this grand woman I learned what love is solely about. Seeing her gentle way I witnessed by my very eyes. Her sweet breath released not a sound underlining neither each dark night, nor every sunny day. For my gramma I adored paying admirable attention aside from my shortened electro mind. Later mesmerized in my find of a soulful foundation she powerfully bound down inside. I am to my grams in everlasting debt undoubtedly. With my immeasurable heart I wisely tend as she passed to me so beautifully. Without any doubt a feeling of floating within seems like a rare out of body experience extraordinaire.

Wholeheartedly indeed, my childish idea of love I graciously felt was but basic consideration which fondly stayed close in all of me.

If we met eye to eye, face to face, or hand in hand. A high chance may lay waiting for you specifically. In fact be kind, thus "enlightenment" only comes to those whose patience instills heartfelt truth you shall not miss undeniably.

If you, I have met misguided at least once. You are set to go without this I pompously state. Every one's destiny moves foward accordingly.

To abide such love in people suddenly seldom moments beg to throw asunder. I held love dear to everyone that didn't do what had strangely been done already.

Giving people a chance to express themselves without "they" dealing cards cast on a crooked bet. Inevitably the worst did happen up close right in front.

Why - because blasphemous delusional twisted lies and lies flew around the wind harshly. An image in no way shape or form was the least of any that wasn't to confront me personally. How I am boosting thank you, my life has repeatedly routed this way.  "The power" welcomes my walk of life that isn't pumpkin pie that's why! What else can I say?

I surely do "catch on fast". The ones who sought my name to use in everything slandered thereafter in vein. Whisk whisk sickened lies prepared and caked. Hesitance kept no tear I would smear time after time. Goodness my walk of life didn't impersonate was and is never faked.

The same was yesterday as it is today. I would tell you bluntly my side of the story and where it went awry. Also in different ways so if need be you can understand for yourself someday.

An early dream of mine, I was standing in the west among complete darkness facing two wolves. In the east two wolves; one, two, three, and four blood shot eyes flared staring straight into me as their kill. Instinctively this I could feel. Side by side, a growl wasn't heard through the two, and their gnashing fangs ready to maul were waiting to get ahold of me. Clearly I could see.  Drawing a lukewarm vision to dwell yet my future came to hold from people deceivingly.

Love granted my past, present, future, and slowly but surely defeating two wolves.  Truth and honesty brought attention to my life being scattered abroad.  My shattering realization  added many years I grew and binded into with these two. Communing my young abundant spirit from vision to vision. Two wolves infamously shared themselves a taste eternally left to silence and wonder.

Wind between my teeth that might turn ramblings my future will definitely not regret. Jealousy by you know who. Who doesn't ever seemingly grasp the whole reality by leaving any realm without imaginatively soothing me. It's true we both know the whole story, and still she never thanked me.

Like a sore thumb stretched out hoping a blind man would stop to pick up a lift. A place fast to hide as you stray from consequence. Reasons for your uncontrollable narrow minded hypocrisy. That be horrible if a person as this kept score, then you should dam well know a fall is all your awaiting for.

I'm not bothered any bit of how people look to my mind, body, or soul. What is bothersome, my years long enough endured and can't get through from here on my end across there. Ignorance desperately ignores my point earthed to  tell what is not from them. Everything new they're flattered too, and day after day don't forget their wish list fantastically expressed emotionally.
Easier said than done!!! Aint it?

Someday near, balance may appear as a rude awakening humbly towards you and passed me. Hopefully gather this to understand who you aren't truthfully!
Don't be so naive.

It's got nothing to do with the gates of heaven or the ferocious flames in hell. That a few claim I've been put down by someone, something, or positively otherwise fictitiously unknown.

If you are one who doesn't get what I say now, or after this I spare. Your q is this instance, so go and reflect amongst yourself what exactly it is you summon.

My beliefs remind me these days as it was said, "this world we are born is wicked and none worthy therein." Tho I whisper, "shit, there is nothing I can do", but life goes on in what form?

What I fend my favor so people can hear what I say, watch while I talk away, and at least give em' some shot in the dark that can help any this idea made believable to whom pays carefully. Yay or nay.

I make choices on behalf of no one, nor lead none to change beliefs or themes. Definitely would lay what I may on the line for who? To pick and choose...

Patience swept my rocky past atop solemn grounds. Certainly a deed gone on so long subtly lept into my quiet shy second nature.

In peace may I say, a walk in utmost concern literally putting   up a bout for my well being everyday.

In the name of love a fight is meaningless for keeps... What is readily mine is mine. Reward the life I walk openly.

...because of love I am able to accept the image bestowed on me upon the sight of time, and by supernatural I am able to understand why I walked in balance when there was no one to see but me.
As a river amidst natural beauty begins, and streams away in ever flowing ends

I embrace the existence of spirit, supernatural, dreams, and visions. Love is my reminiscence back to a young child when my grams taught me. This life I do in and outwardly love my "great" journey.

Dreams I travel along my destined direction, always in awe the way I find myself through, people who never knew they were seen too, dreams that spoke when no other would, and dreams that tell me about everything you couldn't think of.

My passion as a dreamer I truly believe. Beyond any pulse mine own life can fulfill even on a wild note.
 
Love spurs endless greetings my welcome made to those I haven't yet been introduced, or boldly written in the walk of life my ways have chosen without sense saying.

Each ounce honesty may devour I savour fruit not from taste, but my gift of life I cherish thankfully. An offering of undying respect praising my Creator.

~ Much Love & Respects ~
FlowerStar

A Thought to You From Me

A pretty peaceful night for the most. What I thought was going to be a good night instead am left with a headache wishing it wasnt cold so I could make my way outside for a bit.  I guess I can lay low for few and turn up the babble...

I dont know about anyone else but I sure do love the direction I am in.  It can be a joy to have a grasp on the ideal thought of life for peace of mind.  I am sure life is much more sweeter to hold in my hand the knowledge I am grounded and ready for anything headed for me.

 

I never was fearful growing up but I honestly say there have been times where I couldnt see to far away.  Even that at its worst in my case, it was just over some years I found myself understanding everything that put me in a not knowing place. I will say with pride I walked all that way by myself in my head, with this I end up slapping myself in the face as I saw I was dead wrong all those times I spoke them words.  I may not have had anyone to turn to in those dreadful days I thought I was alone, but I came to realize I knew all along exactly what I was going through.  The hardships I faced were only hardships because I didnt understand like I always thought I did. 

In my very moment I accepted the fact that I had been living the complete opposite of what I made out I was able to see all I had dreamt of, and the pieces just started pulling together.  As time went on I saw life in a whole new light I chose to open up to.  A decision I am glad I never regreted throughout any of my so called hardships was that I was patient enough to not nut up on anyone.

All those years I pouted and threw fits turned out that I never needed to worry about anything because my answers were already in me.  I just had to stop and pay attention to what was in my heart and leave my mind be.  I think Ive gotten this far on my own, and I love to endulge in this... but my dreams tell me otherwise.  The shit I had to go through to learn there is nothing that can show me otherwise.  Nevertheless the only thing that changed during all that was my driving!

One thing I know about who I use to be is she was one wandering aimlessly in an illusion that is gone forever.  My way began then, and so now after all these years I feel it can only get better as I move on. 

My past has been a rough road, but it wouldnt have been a hardship if it wasnt in my head.  I guess it was the image they were looking for, and image is what they got.  As for me, I really would like to see what they are going to do with my image and then it is there I will know who I am. 

I hope everyone has beautiful dreams while in rest to keep you warm as I do ~  except you you and you... Nah Im joking! NOT:) ~ you know who you are ~

♥ Sweetdreams ♥

My Baby Brother ~ In Loving Memory

It has been over a year since I have lost my baby brother, and I still havent cried for him.  There were so many times when my eyes were ready to burst but a slight smear of what could have been a tear.
  I hope he knows the suffering I bore when he left me alone in this world.
  I went through pain I had never imagined existed.   
Silence came and gone as it pleased setting a black hole inside, digging in around where I thought only I was allowed, and sorrow made me crazy like a zombie fresh out of a snake pit.
  I know he is watching over me and all the people he goes on to love.
     Until the day we meet, I shall be thinking of you always.  Patiently I wait to create precious memories once more.  In the mean time we will learn to cope while you are there and I am here.  By the thought of your smile fills my heart with warmth as a virgin sun on a early sunny morning at dawn.  May your new found journey in life be one that will take you places that last forever.  As the wind blows on any day north or south may the breeze embrace your spirit in love, kindness, understanding, and strength.  Take with you what you will for safe travels and sustenance as the family you left behind is in need to get by without having you here.

  Just never forget everywhere you go, you are the one who taught me what is to be learned from death.  A lesson I cherish dear to my life embodies. 

Upon death we move foward so change from this life surely takes to begin our being.  Death shall hem and seem all that is meant to fold together in perfect harmony.  Sewing and binding a new you will come to know then soon uncover.
Only I can pray someday your brotherly love wont ever fade away.  Only I can wish you dont leave my side through these few moments balance draws near its final race.  Only I can dream you will endure no more foolish lies ignorance has spread like wildfire.  Only I can envision my shadow swiftly following me back again.  Only I can tell you the road ahead may be paved or may be bumpy, but its the way our walk of life tells a true story.

Hello

    Hello fellow people... today something happened this morning and changed the whole layout of my day.  In this time it was nothing that brought my spirits down, but definately out.  A sort of altering my innards unexpectedly.  I must say that aside from my feeling overpowered, I went along for the ride with ease thinking it was going to be no different than any other time I sent greetings and thanks to people who may take a second to give a shit. With no consequence to settle my silence on a harsher note,  for speaking exactly what I was feeling simultaneously in what will later make me look back twice and wonder.

    When I logged into my twitter account I saw I had two new followers so I opened their profile pages to see what I can learn about them from their information.  Out of what eggs me on to find in peace daily, I felt it was simply courteous that I decided to thank my new followers for following me, and seeing for myself I sent in good thoughts.

The idea came to me that I was a bit baffled by the two times Matt Darey had followed me.  Not fully understanding if it was a glitch or what not.  I wanted to thank him for following me twice to let him know I will always be a big fan no matter what.  Few minutes later I get a reply from Matt Darey telling me I am his biggest fan! Once I read that, nothing was going to stop me from telling him why I was his biggest fan. A once in a lifetime chance to spill my fan loyalty to the one and only who puts music in my life that allows me to see my dreams etc.. in a way that is fn awesome.  I couldn't let my words slip out of reach so I waisted no time.  Somewhat embarrassingly in 10 tweets over the course of 5 hours I did just that, and ultimately changed the person I have been for past 23 years of my life.

The more I went on and on sounding like an obsessive freak, I realized that there was so much going on when I look down into my heart! 

This is the exact place where Matt Darey changed my life... I had never been the type to express heartfelt thoughts and feelings on the public internet, straight out to my loving family, and moreso towards friends as I broadcasted on twitter.  I am open about my life experiences, but hardly put in my own words what I believe is my so called knowledge or wisdom for beloved willing readers. 

 I could share my life experiences in happiness, sorrow, pain, darkness, light,  dreams, visions, honesty, beauty, mystery, love, and yes I would most definately express a belief or two from my Native American people through a blog, and again I never thought I could muster an attempt. Overall spare my side of the story in what I know as my walk of life.

I am not a professional writer nor did I go to college, university or work as a writer in my past but I'm giving my blog a chance as an amateur also as one who believes my thoughts and ideas are one of a kind.  Like me!!! Much Love & Respects!