A Change In My Chain

Be my guest, the door is wide open for anyone to judge me from things I've done during my young age. Also remember as you pass your judgement, I surely seek in haste to pass your way a righteous judgement that you've judged a child. A child you know nothing therein or what this child has been through. 100x fold. 

I hated the person I came to know as a young child. I didn't care one bit what others thought of me, but I only knew that I didn't want to live the rest of my life funked up. Reaching a place my young teenage years beginning to hate men. The desire grew within to hurt men that I felt were sickened to me. 


Living at my mothers house most days alone, I used these days to dig deep within, and would eventually change every part of me emotionally. This grueling process of having to get to know myself emotionally was what I put myself through. In the end, turning out to take months because the order for me to grab ahold of this entity, I had to get deep inside my feelings and emotions.

At the peak of noticing this chain embedded snug in its own embodiment, I suffered episodes within my own inward bounds as I endured no control what so ever. I one day realized an opportunity to free myself of this one I hated so much. Over these lonely rides I strayed away staying at my mothers house. Determined and alone, yet hoping I could learn what I needed to get whatever this was, being tucked below my rooted heartfelt feelings. This being new to me, I grasped an unexplained surfacing which left me in shock by what seemed to be ever mindful to its own. While time went on I'd wait as it might arise again as it came and went, and there given a glance by mine that I may find change deep inside for good. I was able to watch this afloat from underneath up towards my left side which barely touched above my rib cage. It came to this same place on my left side each and every surfacing. I was overwhelmed that I had made it one step in understanding how I can get it out of me. Once I learned a movement pattern I paid dear attention, bringing me near finding change I desperately sought and sacrificed for. Moments when I tried handling my innards, I came to understand how I felt like a stranger within. I was blind and mute to all that was invested in my heart. Moving forward I began amusingly to hear two voices coming from inside my being. As I listened to these voices days at a time, I started to distinguish where these voices were coming within. One came from my head on my shoulders, and the other voice sprouted deep within my heartfelt emotions. My brief curious entertainment I played around with both voices inside, and quickly learned very well the difference between the two. When my enjoyment of these voices died down, I snapped back to the work I set myself out to do. Then it was there upon that instance, I had to make a decision to which voice I wanted to follow for the rest of my life. Of course because I was already fiddling within, I chose to follow the voice coming from my heart. After I got through these doors, I saw that I understood what was going on inside of me. My heart was filled with feelings and emotions old and new. I now knew to thoroughly go through gently inside these, that was left for me to  do. Each and every one I put my heart and soul into getting to know. It was in this experience that I learned about myself. Cherishing memories I decided to keep forever, and emotions in need of healing, which I mourned then let go. I carefully sifted inside and out, as I found in their each emotion having a form of its own. Months had gone with my caring through all that was mine, then coming to terms the person I was. An idea which empowered my imagination, to the characteristics I desired to hold within. Someday become apart of me. Just as I took great patience with my feelings and emotions, I played a good amount to ponder exactly what personalities I wanted to be. Given the work I had already accomplished within myself, and bearing my heart I polished clean. I knew the power to change was closing in. Here it was no question, that this unexplained surfacing needed my attention again. I gave this mindful one its own time showing me its routine all over, and whenever. I first tried to grab ahold, when it parked itself along my left side and that wasn't a win. With this it would take me a few more grabs before I tugged it out of me, and I watched it fly away. The feeling of letting that mindful one go was the best feeling I had felt in my whole entire life. Days later, I would keep an eye on everything going on inside of me to see if this mindful one had come back unknowingly. Days turned into weeks, and a month or two after I instinctively felt the mindful one was gone for good. Excited in knowing I was finally free from the one that didn't belong in me. I gazed once in my life, and relaxed the notion, my life finally belonged to me and new beginnings is what I was looking forward too. Sacrificing all I did to find change from I as a child which instilled within me; courage, self esteem, confidence, strength, wisdom, and a whole new outlook about me. This is exactly how I was able move on. Leaving the past in the past with no regrets. Proudly I did it on my own.

Living through this experience I learned endless knowledge about people. Knowledge in its understanding of feelings and emotions. Carried by every person no matter how old, living, or passed on spiritually.My heart held deep within my emotions and feelings, that weren't a stranger anymore. There was no one in this world or the next to tell me what kind of person I was from then on. I made a vouch to myself to always be there for people regardless, because the pains were much life had expressed to me. Along with that, a kindness I kept since a very young age. Anywhere in the span I experienced my trauma, not one person has shown to me, the understanding this occurance has wrought amidst my young life. The rest of me fell into place by the way. Going through this made me unique, and very cold bloody stubborn. Stubborn because I had already witnessed no one knew what was best for me. I must admit there were many times I had a lot of fun in this experience. I really enjoyed my moments for the greater good of getting to know me. I learned how to do things alone. Everything I chose to learn on my own came with a desire to learn good. Never being satisfied with a half ass job also taught me a lot more about myself, and life itself. Dwelling my foundation I have what it takes to be the best I can be, and shown in each and every direction possible.

                  ~ FlowerStar ~

Happy New Year 2012

May the New Year find purpose in your life other than you finding purpose in life.  Smoothly things that matter have been awaiting answers, or bright new meanings these that open your eyes would be impossible to pass by.  This here to greet you of course is well deserved and long over due. 

Hoping this New Year will be one you fulfill by what you believe is unimaginable.  Anew all that brings quality you're able to mold at your desire for wellness and prosperity.  Holding near your future that lets go them boundaries you knew as the ultimate rationale.  Finally afloat further and further away deep into a past you plan never to return.  Suddenly fate draws back when you were brought into your mother's womb early in her pregnancy. As your spirit drifted from the season of that time, here settling in her womb, and it is this way you are from spiritually. Now this beautiful New Year taught you a lil something about your spirituality.

Wishing a New Year which offers whatever it is you might need just to move beyond this time that you know now.  Through the face of change that surely is guilded as wind breezes from here to there making your journey much more easier to destine.  Maybe a peculiar turn of events switching life's highlights upon realizing what is best for you naturally.

This New Year you welcome in utmost respect having an idea those characteristics you're soon to approach or leave behind, but no matter what always keep yourself satisfied.  Highly expecting to meet regards life has shown your heartfelt mind whether by fantasy or visions sorting your walk ahead.  

Throughout this New Year only the best of what my ever changing heart struck the power to envision that you are always accompanied with a smile. Truly an expression I pray life never shuts any door without first taking a hand guiding your next way. By what odds does grace gently fold in place your travels gathered in moments you felt betrayed or alone. Life understands your gesture to overcome and heal as nights shadow days  catching warmth scarcely under rays of light.

A New Year 2012 can define life aside from your point of view, to all that secondly finds itself back to you.  As life moves forward, you within yourself mysteriously binds fear and excitement as if they seriously are one.  While you weren't watching, because you seek as anyone else a desire in peace to freely live.  Swirly and jerky on a roller coaster ride, or a drive out in the country on a day of relaxation, what is meant to be will be.  Opportunities you should probably pay dear attention so the riddle of time can never backfire and trip you up in the end.  Sending you and your loved ones nothing but bundles and bundles to keep warm, laughter, joy, and happiness coming into a chilling dark season.

Much Love & Respects

FlowerStar

Faith or Not

Have you ever dipped your foot into beliefs, traditions, or cultures of any types of people on this planet respectably?  If this you ever come to see then it is no secret, that somewhere in our subconscious we astonishingly began a chilling understanding that reminds us the power people carry and have had since our human creation. 

I was once told that every religion on this planet has beliefs that are true, and false. 

The tree that grew the fruit questionably never to be eaten by "Eve" in the garden of Eden.  The tree bearing all knowledge between good and evil which has had the power to damn "Eve" and "Adam" from the sight of the Almighty.  Last but not least, the ever so powerful tree the serpent coiled and found rest against in the days leading up to the temptation.  In all I have learned through my dreams, visions, and walk of life I have come to conclude that our origin with pagan occults was first known as people by what the Book of Genesis calls original sin.

Here in this world we live with many different races having their own, our own rituals or beliefs for practically every moment life can pass through us.  It is a wonder our human population started with only two, so out of common knowledge we can call these two "Adam" and "Eve"...

Symbolically the Book of Genesis says the serpent tempted Eve to eat the fruit from the tree so Eve can know and see just as God does, and the serpent goes on to tell Eve she will not die.  When the serpent tempts Eve, the temptation was most likely shown by way of vision how the fruit which would be "picked" is "picked", eaten, and also shown what would happen if she did eat.  Once Eve bit the fruit our world came to know our first pagan, and the ritual to taste and eat someone elses fruit their life has not labored nor tended.  Adam and Eve go on to have their first child known as Caine, whom I believe personally is the serpent who tempted Eve, and then Abel whom I believe came from "the heavens".

Depending on which pagan ritual was done by Eve, it would be from that lineage of people the first man and first woman derived.  

Given that I am not one to really get into reading books on different religions, and pretty much basically only go off of what I call wind. I put together somewhat of a descriptive account what was and might be. Starting with my own culture as a Native North American. 

In my tribal affiliation here in Central California we as Yokut people believe in the Sasquatch, thus it was the Sasquatch who made this damning mistake of eating the fruit off the tree of good and evil. Reason being because this image has been around a lot longer than any other, and gives way for any other creature or being in between people and "monkeys".  Adam, Eve, Caine, and Abel were beings that roamed their home as Sasquatch.  Also to mention that understanding paganism my people have passed down since god knows when explains the story the powerful one was at some point at risk of losing their power to another entity. 

In Hindu if I am not mistaken, these people tell of believing in Baal who was or is an ape man being a master in gathering for war.  The only other being before Baal who came to people in any way, shape, or form was the Creator to teach Adam and Eve how to survive on our planet.  The fact that it is the Hindu people Baal shown himself would have been the only people Baal ever knew up to this point in time. Trying to say Baal was Adam, Caine, or Abel would be taking this to far ahead of yourself unless Baal gave specific details of himself as a spiritual image.  Out of the product of elimination the image of Baal could only be Adam or Caine because Abel was no where near Caine after Caine killed him.  Caine did what some may call voodoo to Abel, and voodoo is with the spirit and not image. Baal is either the image of Adam or Caine the bible talks about from the beginning in the Book of Genesis.

Shortly, I will add that while the religion of Hinduism was among people the Greek Gods of mythology were somewhat laying their ways for their people in that region.  A story they weren't to shy to splurge.  One that could baffle the hearts and minds of anyone knowledgeable, and is easily misunderstood when skimmed hastily like how I do.

The Asian, Mexican, South American, and African people are so their tales of folklore is one that is binded from one to the other.  Eventually leading back to what I know as my people and my culture here in North America. 

As I believe Adam, Eve, Caine, and Abel were Sasquatch.  When Caine killed Abel and was told by "God" to leave his home.  Caine left and mated with his cousin which was a monkey of some sorts whom being all apart of the ape family.  What I have come to is Caine's offspring spans out to that of African, Mexican, and South American lineage. In all honesty I must say that what I find odd in some weird way, if I understand correctly, the Aztecs believed in the serpent and what looks to be Lillith, but see no sign of Samael as seen anywhere else in other cultures. That doesn't throw me off to much, but makes me feel as if there is a bigger agenda when it comes to the serpent, Lillith, and Samael.  Voodoo is a religion that I learned patiently through time which is nothing like what my people work with.  What I can say for a fact, is what voodoo does in the length of one night, a shaman from my people knowingly can do taking about 12 years and yes I have watched it being done personally. In no means what so ever does it mean who is more powerful, but rather which power has been here on this planet longer. Voodoo which only pertains to spirit is easily led astray because one needs to know what image is to what spirit.  Since voodoo is only mind dwelling spirit, so the power over image is not apart of voodoo.  Never known or understood unless pointed out to the voodoo "priest" or "priestess".  As a gift of my everlasting kindness I will say that voodoo is strictly a mans way, because it is power that is worked out mentally. Voodoo "priestesses" should be frowned upon because the only thing mindful about a woman is her husband spiritually speaking.

The scientific theory Native Americans crossed the Bering Strate to the America's I do believe, but kept to the North America Native Americans. As for people of Mexico, and South America my belief is that they were already in their place there.  For me, it is a mixture of things that bring me to this idea.

1) The first and foremost is one that stands out highlighted than any other being, is what they as a people believed in.  Roughly I have touched base with their beliefs, yet in doing so I read nothing that tells me the practices of my people and the practices of their people were similar.  When it comes to the "ways" I hold dear and understand quite well as a Native North American Indian.  Aside from us both being pagan worshippers.
2) This one that I point out may seem cruel, but one I find only as fact is their people look to have african traits in some physical features.  These features are not apart of the Native North American peoples I have not seen.
3) A theory I heard on a documentary which I don't remember the name, or channel I caught it on so I can't give credit.  The theory is there may have been a time when all the land on earth was one, and over the course of time the land split and became what it is today.  Therefore the continental shelf that lies under the surface of the ocean can be linked together like a jigsaw puzzle.

These that I bring up have nothing to do with racism, cruelty, narrow mindedness, or being biased. Definately are issues that need attention when trying to understand the world as a whole,  and where exactly do I myself fit in also along with my people. 

The knowledge I have come to know up until now attributes piece by piece one of the most powerful races on this planet who happens to be the Asians.  Before I knew what I know now about Asian people, I guess for sure the only thing I believed was that it is so easy for me to see many of my peoples beliefs and these are very similar.  I feel a lot of times that Asian people plus my people were once kindred folks who have sadly missed out on each others presence.   Although I still have a lot to learn in some areas, these beliefs that Asians been apart of is the epitome of what my people believe. By some twist can also be taken back to what the Hindu religion speaks.  There it is there, that is why I believe the theory Native North Americans crossed the Bering Strait long ago.  How long? That I don't know, but I think its a tad bit longer than what science theorizes. 

Through the moments I spend myself to bring the human race together in my mind, body, or soul I go about in the most careful manner. What I do, is I take all the knowledge I have learned from my dreams, visions, native culture and apply it with everyone and every belief my ears were ever stunned to.  The only reason I am able to do it this way, because the knowledge I learned on a spiritual basis since the time of my first dream when I was 8 years old is universal.  No matter where you go, or who you meet "the ways" will never change in meaning, direction, and understanding. 

I sincerely apologize if anything I stated was taken the wrong way which offended, or bothered anyone.  I respect and love people, but at the same time my beliefs are few are far between which I look through thoroughly and carefully pay attention to.  My walk of life came a long way to find what I know and value as I see truth.

Ramblings from the author for everyone who didn't know:

People from different walks of life, and different races may have put work in on me paganism will always tell tale.  Trying to change or create something they could merely brag about in front of a mirror.  I do not fall for this because paganism will never abide the power to change my past, what I been through, the life I walked up until now, and the deeds I've done in the dark or in the light.  Little do some know, I think, I learned a lot about them in clear sky reality and the fantasy mind did nothing but bewilder them.  The very one thing that did make me laugh, is the way some thought what they were in their hearts but just unknown mind felt gestures they couldn't see thru. Glorifying themselves from the way I just came, and the way they truly thought they beat.  When it all came down to it they wouldn't get what it takes to walk that way if all was rooting for them to catch up.  A bad mouth to watch someone else suffer the torments as fate instills many things not known to OMG even them.  Also the life I walked long before one heard my journey,  by even now I believe some really don't yet grasp the life I steadily walked thus far.  It took myself years upon years; blood, sweat, tears, triumphs, misery, patience, love, selfishness, pity, kindness, understanding, loathing, loneliness, discipline, being hard on myself, honesty, trial and error, dignity, loyalty, hate, peace, sorrow, unity, mercy, compassion, passion, smiles, laughter, solice, serenity, nobility, sense of humor, acknowledgement, acceptance, rest, reality, humbility, optimism, and honor to earn all I learn/ed.  Some people take it as if it's so easy to come by when there was someone out there who learned it all on their own, and specifically the person they dreadfully despise.  With learning everything on my own, I learned  the difference between knowing the difference, what it means to take the high road, and when it's time to take the high road.  Yes I could say exactly what I went through with these things, how I felt, what I changed thoroughly if I found change, and about how long it took.  Since my knowledge of one in a millionth, I always did share, this that I taught myself with people I saw didn't have what it takes to learn by oneself.  Cunning set the tone for what came to be.  One day your rubbing everything in my face that you thought this world to be,  and in some alternate universe the realization of that everything is the walk of life I walked and also that no voodoo, hoodoo, witchcraft, or prayers can take from me.  Mistakenly finding the work you did to catch up to me wasn't just enough, but a pathetic shame that insults the walk of life our Creator created in each and every one of us to live fully.  I know where I come from, by no guilt I can open to my pieces inside that really makes the difference, and maybe just maybe if I'm lucky give those people that I use to be like some kind of inkling there is one who understands what they are going through and is willing to fight on their behalf.  In many ways people will deny, I can say I understand everyone.  There is nothing more to understand when it comes to being a predator and a victim.  That's about as worst as it can get I believe.  My journey as a victim treads further back my childhood seems to have blocked out.  Balancing my train of thought that I had nothing but pure hatred for.  It was I within myself who desired change, put the effort to make change, took the time to change, and carefully made the change  needed to change forever.  I did it all by myself  says my fruits can vouch , and the ways I use to be you can certainly go on and on about.

~ Much Love & Respects ~

FlowerStar

A Thought to You From Me

A pretty peaceful night for the most. What I thought was going to be a good night instead am left with a headache wishing it wasnt cold so I could make my way outside for a bit.  I guess I can lay low for few and turn up the babble...

I dont know about anyone else but I sure do love the direction I am in.  It can be a joy to have a grasp on the ideal thought of life for peace of mind.  I am sure life is much more sweeter to hold in my hand the knowledge I am grounded and ready for anything headed for me.

 

I never was fearful growing up but I honestly say there have been times where I couldnt see to far away.  Even that at its worst in my case, it was just over some years I found myself understanding everything that put me in a not knowing place. I will say with pride I walked all that way by myself in my head, with this I end up slapping myself in the face as I saw I was dead wrong all those times I spoke them words.  I may not have had anyone to turn to in those dreadful days I thought I was alone, but I came to realize I knew all along exactly what I was going through.  The hardships I faced were only hardships because I didnt understand like I always thought I did. 

In my very moment I accepted the fact that I had been living the complete opposite of what I made out I was able to see all I had dreamt of, and the pieces just started pulling together.  As time went on I saw life in a whole new light I chose to open up to.  A decision I am glad I never regreted throughout any of my so called hardships was that I was patient enough to not nut up on anyone.

All those years I pouted and threw fits turned out that I never needed to worry about anything because my answers were already in me.  I just had to stop and pay attention to what was in my heart and leave my mind be.  I think Ive gotten this far on my own, and I love to endulge in this... but my dreams tell me otherwise.  The shit I had to go through to learn there is nothing that can show me otherwise.  Nevertheless the only thing that changed during all that was my driving!

One thing I know about who I use to be is she was one wandering aimlessly in an illusion that is gone forever.  My way began then, and so now after all these years I feel it can only get better as I move on. 

My past has been a rough road, but it wouldnt have been a hardship if it wasnt in my head.  I guess it was the image they were looking for, and image is what they got.  As for me, I really would like to see what they are going to do with my image and then it is there I will know who I am. 

I hope everyone has beautiful dreams while in rest to keep you warm as I do ~  except you you and you... Nah Im joking! NOT:) ~ you know who you are ~

♥ Sweetdreams ♥