A Change In My Chain

Be my guest, the door is wide open for anyone to judge me from things I've done during my young age. Also remember as you pass your judgement, I surely seek in haste to pass your way a righteous judgement that you've judged a child. A child you know nothing therein or what this child has been through. 100x fold. 

I hated the person I came to know as a young child. I didn't care one bit what others thought of me, but I only knew that I didn't want to live the rest of my life funked up. Reaching a place my young teenage years beginning to hate men. The desire grew within to hurt men that I felt were sickened to me. 


Living at my mothers house most days alone, I used these days to dig deep within, and would eventually change every part of me emotionally. This grueling process of having to get to know myself emotionally was what I put myself through. In the end, turning out to take months because the order for me to grab ahold of this entity, I had to get deep inside my feelings and emotions.

At the peak of noticing this chain embedded snug in its own embodiment, I suffered episodes within my own inward bounds as I endured no control what so ever. I one day realized an opportunity to free myself of this one I hated so much. Over these lonely rides I strayed away staying at my mothers house. Determined and alone, yet hoping I could learn what I needed to get whatever this was, being tucked below my rooted heartfelt feelings. This being new to me, I grasped an unexplained surfacing which left me in shock by what seemed to be ever mindful to its own. While time went on I'd wait as it might arise again as it came and went, and there given a glance by mine that I may find change deep inside for good. I was able to watch this afloat from underneath up towards my left side which barely touched above my rib cage. It came to this same place on my left side each and every surfacing. I was overwhelmed that I had made it one step in understanding how I can get it out of me. Once I learned a movement pattern I paid dear attention, bringing me near finding change I desperately sought and sacrificed for. Moments when I tried handling my innards, I came to understand how I felt like a stranger within. I was blind and mute to all that was invested in my heart. Moving forward I began amusingly to hear two voices coming from inside my being. As I listened to these voices days at a time, I started to distinguish where these voices were coming within. One came from my head on my shoulders, and the other voice sprouted deep within my heartfelt emotions. My brief curious entertainment I played around with both voices inside, and quickly learned very well the difference between the two. When my enjoyment of these voices died down, I snapped back to the work I set myself out to do. Then it was there upon that instance, I had to make a decision to which voice I wanted to follow for the rest of my life. Of course because I was already fiddling within, I chose to follow the voice coming from my heart. After I got through these doors, I saw that I understood what was going on inside of me. My heart was filled with feelings and emotions old and new. I now knew to thoroughly go through gently inside these, that was left for me to  do. Each and every one I put my heart and soul into getting to know. It was in this experience that I learned about myself. Cherishing memories I decided to keep forever, and emotions in need of healing, which I mourned then let go. I carefully sifted inside and out, as I found in their each emotion having a form of its own. Months had gone with my caring through all that was mine, then coming to terms the person I was. An idea which empowered my imagination, to the characteristics I desired to hold within. Someday become apart of me. Just as I took great patience with my feelings and emotions, I played a good amount to ponder exactly what personalities I wanted to be. Given the work I had already accomplished within myself, and bearing my heart I polished clean. I knew the power to change was closing in. Here it was no question, that this unexplained surfacing needed my attention again. I gave this mindful one its own time showing me its routine all over, and whenever. I first tried to grab ahold, when it parked itself along my left side and that wasn't a win. With this it would take me a few more grabs before I tugged it out of me, and I watched it fly away. The feeling of letting that mindful one go was the best feeling I had felt in my whole entire life. Days later, I would keep an eye on everything going on inside of me to see if this mindful one had come back unknowingly. Days turned into weeks, and a month or two after I instinctively felt the mindful one was gone for good. Excited in knowing I was finally free from the one that didn't belong in me. I gazed once in my life, and relaxed the notion, my life finally belonged to me and new beginnings is what I was looking forward too. Sacrificing all I did to find change from I as a child which instilled within me; courage, self esteem, confidence, strength, wisdom, and a whole new outlook about me. This is exactly how I was able move on. Leaving the past in the past with no regrets. Proudly I did it on my own.

Living through this experience I learned endless knowledge about people. Knowledge in its understanding of feelings and emotions. Carried by every person no matter how old, living, or passed on spiritually.My heart held deep within my emotions and feelings, that weren't a stranger anymore. There was no one in this world or the next to tell me what kind of person I was from then on. I made a vouch to myself to always be there for people regardless, because the pains were much life had expressed to me. Along with that, a kindness I kept since a very young age. Anywhere in the span I experienced my trauma, not one person has shown to me, the understanding this occurance has wrought amidst my young life. The rest of me fell into place by the way. Going through this made me unique, and very cold bloody stubborn. Stubborn because I had already witnessed no one knew what was best for me. I must admit there were many times I had a lot of fun in this experience. I really enjoyed my moments for the greater good of getting to know me. I learned how to do things alone. Everything I chose to learn on my own came with a desire to learn good. Never being satisfied with a half ass job also taught me a lot more about myself, and life itself. Dwelling my foundation I have what it takes to be the best I can be, and shown in each and every direction possible.

                  ~ FlowerStar ~