FlowerStar ~ A Yokut medicine man told my grandmother, "this is her Indian Name" when I was about 10-11 years old. ElamTseyatas is the Yokut way of saying FlowerStar! I am North American Yavapai, Apache, and Yokut.

~ Much Love & Respects ~
~ I hope you enjoy my page ~

♥ Dreams embraced by reality empower a dreamer beyond any fulfilling darkness of sleep amongst the universe ♥

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Around We Go Understand

I have known in some places my posts on this blog can seem chaotic. As if there is no point to be made, or if I had just threw a bunch of words together not really knowing what I was writing about.

While I write a post, and of course when I'm done writing I will read it. When I wrote  Unconditional Love ~ A Road Less Traveledthere were a lot of words I brought together fitting perfect my explanation I was writing, but when reading it out loud I noticed my brain hadn't caught on to the way it was written.

Two nights ago I was on my twitter page, and Mark Lee was sending tweets about editing, if I'm  not mistaken. 

When I read his tweet the first thing that popped in my head was myself. I sent him a tweet saying he can read thru my blog and let it be known what is exactly the problem.

The tweets I sent directly to Mark Lee were listed in my profile. The tweets he replied to me are in my twitter ID mentions. I have taken these tweets and put them in order as best I remember when we went back and forth with each tweet. Starting with the tweet I sent giving him a chance to fill me in with his personal opinion.

Below you can read what Mark Lee pointed out to me during our tweet discussion on my posts in my blog...

ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I wuldnt mind ifUwent thru mine,but I alredy know wht needs2Bfixed.My point is on the lighter side of knowledge tht counts :)
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew here is the link to my blog, FlowerStar Through the Site of Time I would rather hear the ruthless truth than a waist of lies...
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas Knowing it before publishing is a powerful piece of knowledge. Many don't know it and publish anyway. So sad!
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I'm not trying 2impress anyone.I knw thre was debate about my writing so I wrote 1 post 9x so ppl can C 4thmslvs whre I write from
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I dnt read! Thnx.The fact that what I write about and where it comes from, editing would take away from the way it took place etc.
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas Knowing that you need to improve, imagine buying a book that was about as well written as your blog.
ElamTseyatas
MasqCrew editing would change everything about it...turn it into a lie...a pause would be put somewhere where it never happened...
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas You definitely have emotion in your writing, which will help your fans ignore your misgivings.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew punctuation would change everything I say around. W what I write about, there is a certain way I have to write it...
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas This is why I am not professional. Can't always pinpoint what you are doing wrong. Just know it sounds wrong outloud.
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas Perhaps but I would venture a guess that if someone transcribed your speech word for word, it might be slightly better.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew This blog was to explain to ppl a side of the story they arent ready to hear...believe me..the way I write about it is sugar coatd
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas What do you mean sugar coated?
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew the subject of what I write about...that is whats sugar coated. that part of life is a bit harsher than anyone could evr imagine
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas In any case, novelists can not write like how people talk. You have to have a certain amount of polish or you won't make it.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew that I know, like I said editihg it would make it into a lie... thats why Im not doing it. Im not trying to go anywhere with it
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas and yet you are giving it a rawness that makes it special. It's your voice.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew its the truth I did it for. the knowledge goes right along w it. I will say that although it may seem that I cant write for shit
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew 2sum... everything I write about you will not find anyone who knows this better than I do.thats why Im not worried about my writng
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas My biggest suggestion would be to improve how you communicate in real life, and your writing will naturally improve.
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas'You will not find anyone who knows everything I write better than I do.' Same words. Different order. Same meaning. Edited.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew this is what I get... I cant change any of what your saying... why... because all of this I have seen through my dreams or visions
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas I believe truth and rawness and a personal voice can be achieved even when basic rules of communication are in place.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I told a lot of people the truth about them...what did they do with it? thats where this communication comes from 4m me.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew It was "the power" that told them these things the results is what I have no control over...thats just it, the ways dont go thru u
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew thats where I get my writing from. I have to go by "the ways". My way, my life doesnt exist... Like in my info for twitter...
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas But I guarentee you that you would have more power, reach more people with just as much emotion with just some minor edits.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew Every choice I make in my life come from "the ways". I make no choices on my own. bcuz of what I write about, It has 2b done 1 way
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas We R talking about 2different things. U are talking about where your subject comes from. I'm talking about how U present it.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew thats just it, those edits can change the whole story around into what wasnt. "the ways" wuldnt like that they rnt liars.
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas It's interesting that people of 2dialects within same language don't fully understand each other. That's why lang has rules.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I know this bcuz I tried editing.nd it changed it n2 smething that was a lie.Like I said Im not worried cuz U wnt find ne1 better
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas You can not speak the same way to different people. Speech has to conform to the audience.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew yes,nd what I am tellingU, is that they are 1. TheyR not seperate. Where I get the skill 2write, my knowledge comes 4m same place
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas The job of a novelist is to create a product for an audience. They break too many rules, they lose their audience.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I can not tear these 2apart. doing whatU ask of editing, will tear them apart.If not doing this costs me image, thn soB it.
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas So, you are telling me that if you improved your skill, you couldn't write about the same things?
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I wuld rathr go thru this here than pay a biggr price 4breakng thm apart way down the road latr. Thts y Im not editing. I cnt.
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas May I ask your age? (You can give a range if you like)
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I am 33...I dnt mind
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas I don't think you have the goal of publishing a novel. If so, I would say it probably isn't worth it.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew thats what Im not tryng 2do.this knowledge cnt Btaken by some1else2write about.Y bcuz they didnt walk the life I did 4 what I know
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas We come from a different sub-culture ... that's really the only explanation.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew they could never write it the way I could bcuz they didnt experience it the way I did. May I ask you what your nationality is?
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas I'm white. You can see a picture of me here: Marks picture
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas The name's Mark.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew When Utalk about powr,Uhve 2say it the way it comes out.Learning they way Uknow it,"the power" wuld change its perception ofU fast
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew thngs I write about Nmy blog,will hve somethng 2do w/my knwldge this way.Givn the natre of it,no1cnt take itASit dosnt Blong 2them
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew is no secret..writing is a gift that comes from ur senses.my senses is what enables me 4my way w/ the ways. I cnt break that bond
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas Agreed. Many think they protray themselves as 1thing & get mad when people don't take it that way. You don't have that prob.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew bcuz of what I write about,I have 2write exactly what Isee nd how.I cnt chnge nepart of it or it wuld bcome a lie.A very fine line
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas Your voice is definitely your own.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I hve had dreams since 8yrsold.my writng comes from same place my dreams do.thts why I cnt edit.I wuld Bchngng my dreams around.
MasqCrew 
@ElamTseyatasYou speak profound things—just not the way I would word it.

MasqCrew
@ElamTseytas Your writing is personal and doesn't conform to the standard because it doesn't have to. For a novelist it kinda does.

ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew thts not my goal. I culdnt write about this stuff,nd the ways hve no say.If I did tht,it wuldnt Btrue.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew Othr ppl who write nd dnt write by this,its bcuz their writng comes 4m diffrnt place inside nd dnt hve the help like I do.
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew thtsYI dnt read.same reason.THNX4the offer.If I culd I wuld hve dne it lng tme ago.any1can read my blog but not all will undrstnd
MasqCrew
@ElamTseyatas You don't read because the writers aren't being true to themselves?
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I cnt sayY.Ne1 hve a?4me I willBmore thn glad 2explain.I am alwys left w lookng like I dnt knw wht the fuk Im doing
ElamTseyatas
@MasqCrew I only got one thing to say. NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER..I know exactly what I do,nd y I do it.it might Bcunning but not fake
ElamTseyatas
THNX 4UR REPLIES @MasqCrew! Appreciated ~ Much Love & Respects ~ Take Care ~ Be Safe ~ Happy New Year ~

In reading the tweets, I don't ask you to have any understanding for reasons my posts are written the way they are. I will add again that when I dream, pass a vision, or things being done in spirit will never be justified in editing. As I bring up what I write I realize the first time letting it out is the closest I come to describing exactly what happened, and anything else surrounding.

The times I did go back to edit I did notice oddly my words written were getting farther from the golden truth, and I heard, "that's not what happened". I saw the "proper" form of writing and my wording hasn't yet spoke truthfully of infinite ways most often kept silent.

When I decide on what I want to write about, I will see what it looks like and get an idea of how long it should be. If what I want to write doesn't come to me this way I will let it go. As I get an idea of all to write, I take this description to find length, and find the best way to put in words. Given these two plus endless intuition describing any way to piece together how it appeared to me is my responsibility to take it this way. This is the reason why my posts turn out as they do.

The nature of my topics are written as it happened in my life, dreamt, came by vision, and can not change even in writing. After I express my side of the story the first time then go back to "edit", it does change on a spiritual sense how it took place.

Understanding the spiritual side of my story is the source of my truth. Therefore, I can't leave this side of the story out from telling. The fact that my posts are short, and crunched with everything possible holding all that was spoken, done, dreamt, appeared through visions, and is what I make crystal clear with words when I write. It is the spiritual notion that is the bone structure of my writing, and editing alters easily.

Our world driven through spirit is a mystery well understood, so we can't draw conclusions expecting people to believe. An unknown realm of life that is hard to comprehend, and common sense says to talk about it would turn the same especially if I'm writing exactly what I have seen.

Mark shares a blog site The Masquerade Crew with other people, so obviously he is savvy when times like these cross his path. I knew I wasn't going to take any advice Mark Lee offered, though I understood with no problem. Having an open mind about my posts enabled me to hear his thoughts, and take the time to explain my side somewhat.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Happy New Year 2012

May the New Year find purpose in your life other than you finding purpose in life.  Smoothly things that matter have been awaiting answers, or bright new meanings these that open your eyes would be impossible to pass by.  This here to greet you of course is well deserved and long over due. 

Hoping this New Year will be one you fulfill by what you believe is unimaginable.  Anew all that brings quality you're able to mold at your desire for wellness and prosperity.  Holding near your future that lets go them boundaries you knew as the ultimate rationale.  Finally afloat further and further away deep into a past you plan never to return.  Suddenly fate draws back when you were brought into your mother's womb early in her pregnancy. As your spirit drifted from the season of that time, here settling in her womb, and it is this way you are from spiritually. Now this beautiful New Year taught you a lil something about your spirituality.

Wishing a New Year which offers whatever it is you might need just to move beyond this time that you know now.  Through the face of change that surely is guilded as wind breezes from here to there making your journey much more easier to destine.  Maybe a peculiar turn of events switching life's highlights upon realizing what is best for you naturally.

This New Year you welcome in utmost respect having an idea those characteristics you're soon to approach or leave behind, but no matter what always keep yourself satisfied.  Highly expecting to meet regards life has shown your heartfelt mind whether by fantasy or visions sorting your walk ahead.  

Throughout this New Year only the best of what my ever changing heart struck the power to envision that you are always accompanied with a smile. Truly an expression I pray life never shuts any door without first taking a hand guiding your next way. By what odds does grace gently fold in place your travels gathered in moments you felt betrayed or alone. Life understands your gesture to overcome and heal as nights shadow days  catching warmth scarcely under rays of light.



A New Year 2012 can define life aside from your point of view, to all that secondly finds itself back to you.  As life moves forward, you within yourself mysteriously binds fear and excitement as if they seriously are one.  While you weren't watching, because you seek as anyone else a desire in peace to freely live.  Swirly and jerky on a roller coaster ride, or a drive out in the country on a day of relaxation, what is meant to be will be.  Opportunities you should probably pay dear attention so the riddle of time can never backfire and trip you up in the end.  Sending you and your loved ones nothing but bundles and bundles to keep warm, laughter, joy, and happiness coming into a chilling dark season.


Much Love & Respects
FlowerStar

Friday, December 23, 2011

Faith or Not

Have you ever dipped your foot into beliefs, traditions, or cultures of any types of people on this planet respectably?  If this you ever come to see then it is no secret, that somewhere in our subconscious we astonishingly began a chilling understanding that reminds us the power people carry and have had since our human creation. 

I was once told that every religion on this planet has beliefs that are true, and false. 

The tree that grew the fruit questionably never to be eaten by "Eve" in the garden of Eden.  The tree bearing all knowledge between good and evil which has had the power to damn "Eve" and "Adam" from the sight of the Almighty.  Last but not least, the ever so powerful tree the serpent coiled and found rest against in the days leading up to the temptation.  In all I have learned through my dreams, visions, and walk of life I have come to conclude that our origin with pagan occults was first known as people by what the Book of Genesis calls original sin.

Here in this world we live with many different races having their own, our own rituals or beliefs for practically every moment life can pass through us.  It is a wonder our human population started with only two, so out of common knowledge we can call these two "Adam" and "Eve"...

Symbolically the Book of Genesis says the serpent tempted Eve to eat the fruit from the tree so Eve can know and see just as God does, and the serpent goes on to tell Eve she will not die.  When the serpent tempts Eve, the temptation was most likely shown by way of vision how the fruit which would be "picked" is "picked", eaten, and also shown what would happen if she did eat.  Once Eve bit the fruit our world came to know our first pagan, and the ritual to taste and eat someone elses fruit their life has not labored nor tended.  Adam and Eve go on to have their first child known as Caine, whom I believe personally is the serpent who tempted Eve, and then Abel whom I believe came from "the heavens".

Depending on which pagan ritual was done by Eve, it would be from that lineage of people the first man and first woman derived.  

Given that I am not one to really get into reading books on different religions, and pretty much basically only go off of what I call wind. I put together somewhat of a descriptive account what was and might be. Starting with my own culture as a Native North American. 

In my tribal affiliation here in Central California we as Yokut people believe in the Sasquatch, thus it was the Sasquatch who made this damning mistake of eating the fruit off the tree of good and evil. Reason being because this image has been around a lot longer than any other, and gives way for any other creature or being in between people and "monkeys".  Adam, Eve, Caine, and Abel were beings that roamed their home as Sasquatch.  Also to mention that understanding paganism my people have passed down since god knows when explains the story the powerful one was at some point at risk of losing their power to another entity. 

In Hindu if I am not mistaken, these people tell of believing in Baal who was or is an ape man being a master in gathering for war.  The only other being before Baal who came to people in any way, shape, or form was the Creator to teach Adam and Eve how to survive on our planet.  The fact that it is the Hindu people Baal shown himself would have been the only people Baal ever knew up to this point in time. Trying to say Baal was Adam, Caine, or Abel would be taking this to far ahead of yourself unless Baal gave specific details of himself as a spiritual image.  Out of the product of elimination the image of Baal could only be Adam or Caine because Abel was no where near Caine after Caine killed him.  Caine did what some may call voodoo to Abel, and voodoo is with the spirit and not image. Baal is either the image of Adam or Caine the bible talks about from the beginning in the Book of Genesis.

Shortly, I will add that while the religion of Hinduism was among people the Greek Gods of mythology were somewhat laying their ways for their people in that region.  A story they weren't to shy to splurge.  One that could baffle the hearts and minds of anyone knowledgeable, and is easily misunderstood when skimmed hastily like how I do.

The Asian, Mexican, South American, and African people are so their tales of folklore is one that is binded from one to the other.  Eventually leading back to what I know as my people and my culture here in North America. 

As I believe Adam, Eve, Caine, and Abel were Sasquatch.  When Caine killed Abel and was told by "God" to leave his home.  Caine left and mated with his cousin which was a monkey of some sorts whom being all apart of the ape family.  What I have come to is Caine's offspring spans out to that of African, Mexican, and South American lineage. In all honesty I must say that what I find odd in some weird way, if I understand correctly, the Aztecs believed in the serpent and what looks to be Lillith, but see no sign of Samael as seen anywhere else in other cultures. That doesn't throw me off to much, but makes me feel as if there is a bigger agenda when it comes to the serpent, Lillith, and Samael.  Voodoo is a religion that I learned patiently through time which is nothing like what my people work with.  What I can say for a fact, is what voodoo does in the length of one night, a shaman from my people knowingly can do taking about 12 years and yes I have watched it being done personally. In no means what so ever does it mean who is more powerful, but rather which power has been here on this planet longer. Voodoo which only pertains to spirit is easily led astray because one needs to know what image is to what spirit.  Since voodoo is only mind dwelling spirit, so the power over image is not apart of voodoo.  Never known or understood unless pointed out to the voodoo "priest" or "priestess".  As a gift of my everlasting kindness I will say that voodoo is strictly a mans way, because it is power that is worked out mentally. Voodoo "priestesses" should be frowned upon because the only thing mindful about a woman is her husband spiritually speaking.

The scientific theory Native Americans crossed the Bering Strate to the America's I do believe, but kept to the North America Native Americans. As for people of Mexico, and South America my belief is that they were already in their place there.  For me, it is a mixture of things that bring me to this idea.
1) The first and foremost is one that stands out highlighted than any other being, is what they as a people believed in.  Roughly I have touched base with their beliefs, yet in doing so I read nothing that tells me the practices of my people and the practices of their people were similar.  When it comes to the "ways" I hold dear and understand quite well as a Native North American Indian.  Aside from us both being pagan worshippers.
2) This one that I point out may seem cruel, but one I find only as fact is their people look to have african traits in some physical features.  These features are not apart of the Native North American peoples I have not seen.
3) A theory I heard on a documentary which I don't remember the name, or channel I caught it on so I can't give credit.  The theory is there may have been a time when all the land on earth was one, and over the course of time the land split and became what it is today.  Therefore the continental shelf that lies under the surface of the ocean can be linked together like a jigsaw puzzle.
These that I bring up have nothing to do with racism, cruelty, narrow mindedness, or being biased. Definately are issues that need attention when trying to understand the world as a whole,  and where exactly do I myself fit in also along with my people. 

The knowledge I have come to know up until now attributes piece by piece one of the most powerful races on this planet who happens to be the Asians.  Before I knew what I know now about Asian people, I guess for sure the only thing I believed was that it is so easy for me to see many of my peoples beliefs and these are very similar.  I feel a lot of times that Asian people plus my people were once kindred folks who have sadly missed out on each others presence.   Although I still have a lot to learn in some areas, these beliefs that Asians been apart of is the epitome of what my people believe. By some twist can also be taken back to what the Hindu religion speaks.  There it is there, that is why I believe the theory Native North Americans crossed the Bering Strait long ago.  How long? That I don't know, but I think its a tad bit longer than what science theorizes. 

Through the moments I spend myself to bring the human race together in my mind, body, or soul I go about in the most careful manner. What I do, is I take all the knowledge I have learned from my dreams, visions, native culture and apply it with everyone and every belief my ears were ever stunned to.  The only reason I am able to do it this way, because the knowledge I learned on a spiritual basis since the time of my first dream when I was 8 years old is universal.  No matter where you go, or who you meet "the ways" will never change in meaning, direction, and understanding. 

I sincerely apologize if anything I stated was taken the wrong way which offended, or bothered anyone.  I respect and love people, but at the same time my beliefs are few are far between which I look through thoroughly and carefully pay attention to.  My walk of life came a long way to find what I know and value as I see truth.



Ramblings from the author for everyone who didn't know:

People from different walks of life, and different races may have put work in on me paganism will always tell tale.  Trying to change or create something they could merely brag about in front of a mirror.  I do not fall for this because paganism will never abide the power to change my past, what I been through, the life I walked up until now, and the deeds I've done in the dark or in the light.  Little do some know, I think, I learned a lot about them in clear sky reality and the fantasy mind did nothing but bewilder them.  The very one thing that did make me laugh, is the way some thought what they were in their hearts but just unknown mind felt gestures they couldn't see thru. Glorifying themselves from the way I just came, and the way they truly thought they beat.  When it all came down to it they wouldn't get what it takes to walk that way if all was rooting for them to catch up.  A bad mouth to watch someone else suffer the torments as fate instills many things not known to OMG even them.  Also the life I walked long before one heard my journey,  by even now I believe some really don't yet grasp the life I steadily walked thus far.  It took myself years upon years; blood, sweat, tears, triumphs, misery, patience, love, selfishness, pity, kindness, understanding, loathing, loneliness, discipline, being hard on myself, honesty, trial and error, dignity, loyalty, hate, peace, sorrow, unity, mercy, compassion, passion, smiles, laughter, solice, serenity, nobility, sense of humor, acknowledgement, acceptance, rest, reality, humbility, optimism, and honor to earn all I learn/ed.  Some people take it as if it's so easy to come by when there was someone out there who learned it all on their own, and specifically the person they dreadfully despise.  With learning everything on my own, I learned  the difference between knowing the difference, what it means to take the high road, and when it's time to take the high road.  Yes I could say exactly what I went through with these things, how I felt, what I changed thoroughly if I found change, and about how long it took.  Since my knowledge of one in a millionth, I always did share, this that I taught myself with people I saw didn't have what it takes to learn by oneself.  Cunning set the tone for what came to be.  One day your rubbing everything in my face that you thought this world to be,  and in some alternate universe the realization of that everything is the walk of life I walked and also that no voodoo, hoodoo, witchcraft, or prayers can take from me.  Mistakenly finding the work you did to catch up to me wasn't just enough, but a pathetic shame that insults the walk of life our Creator created in each and every one of us to live fully.  I know where I come from, by no guilt I can open to my pieces inside that really makes the difference, and maybe just maybe if I'm lucky give those people that I use to be like some kind of inkling there is one who understands what they are going through and is willing to fight on their behalf.  In many ways people will deny, I can say I understand everyone.  There is nothing more to understand when it comes to being a predator and a victim.  That's about as worst as it can get I believe.  My journey as a victim treads further back my childhood seems to have blocked out.  Balancing my train of thought that I had nothing but pure hatred for.  It was I within myself who desired change, put the effort to make change, took the time to change, and carefully made the change  needed to change forever.  I did it all by myself  says my fruits can vouch , and the ways I use to be you can certainly go on and on about.



~ Much Love & Respects ~
FlowerStar

Speechless

Would it be to much to say what people are thinking, but not saying?  Would it be to much to say what people are saying, but not thinking? 

Long over due on my part, but never really came through for anyone that I knew though on their start.  Yes I understand that I did such horrible wicked deeds as a young one.  It wasn't in my place to forget and skedaddle out of that place I once knew?  If it wasn't mine, then whose was it to tell me what I should think and feel?  As far as I'm concerned, the things I thought and felt belonged to me and were really no ones beeswax.  Besides, it was an outrage the kind of child I was, but to make known what I was feeling or thinking out loud would of had me cursed by people no doubt.  So I knew...

As easy as it was for me to forget, move on in my life ever to look back, but only upon my grams, and live each day ahead as a dream I didn't dream!  A smile from ear to ear is what many people saw me hanging from every moment I could.  Going about my life from day to day making no beans what anyone else did, and some days noticing a bubble I had blew around myself when I didn't know better.  Yet still living my life having no recurrence's in the things I had left, or the way I use to think as an evil kid.  On that note, I knew whatever I had done was done right, that's why I was able to forget and leave it all behind.  Never being haunted in no way, shape, or form and living my life the complete opposite as guilt sought the little things that made known my big things life crazily rolled away with.

One night I was sitting outside talking with someone I always found chit chat, and all of a sudden she blurted something that visualized all things I had forgotten for so long.  I remember in that time that I clearly looked back as this carried aside emotions of denial, shame, sorrow, guilt, fear, and wonder.  I was thinking, "How could I forget so long?  This woman has no idea what I went through, and so I might as well just seem speechless... If she wants to bring it up like that without saying anything, then she doesn't deserve my side of the story I know so well."  I knew it was something that arose back into my life, but I didn't see how or when it would show itself.  Every bit that was remembered I felt so bad to have brought torment to someone.  As I understood myself to good of the pain and suffering too I knew being by the drop end of fate.

The thought crossed my mind to apologize, but no spark of courage found its way to let me spill it all out.  There I was left in my own silence wondering what the hell just happened when it was held by my responsibility to bring about.  All the troubles I had went through in life couldn't prepare me to ask for forgiveness desperate in this time.  Days came and gone with same reactions I was learning to send my thought of sorrow towards the ones I wronged, while being a nightmarish child.  The memories set me to remember this that had happened, and I never ever spoke to any living soul neither. 

When I remember the notion to apologize became less and less because they weren't the only ones who lived a hellish one.  Not only that, I went through the same and as far as I was concerned it happened more and by no means to compare.  Given' this, it was at a young age I was willing to forgive and forget because I surely didn't want to get any older having these memoirs taunt any sanity my life could muster.  Apologies I did flutter, but only towards the experiences I found had some raw emotion intertwined within at least. 

Specifically recent only days speaking, a dark fragment felt as if lifted and by a wink of my eye I remembered that wasn't all I went through as a young child.  I remembered that I chose to leave my past behind because the pain was nothing my future could bare. I was ultimately trying to kill myself, or somehow find change so I didn't ever have to feel or think that way again.  Being alone most of my young teenage years gave me the opportunity to pay attention within myself to see what I could do for myself out of myself.  One day I caught my long known emotions and feelings trying to make way into my day, and from there I changed everything I didn't like about myself.  As easy as it may sound.  Through this particular incidence my life spared for me those things difference draws a line.  I learned what kind of person I was, I learned what kinds of feelings and emotions I had, I learned what feelings and emotions are, and most of all I learned what myself is about with this inside me.  When it was all said and done one day during the day I watched my turmoil float away and I wondered if I would ever see that again.  The longer my turmoil stayed away the more I began to find joy and happiness feeling like my life was brand new.  I don't know what a million bux feels like, but I knew that's what I felt like!  Greatly I was so young when I made this change, the choice to change is one that I made for me, and boosted a bit in the fact that I did it by myself. 

Growing up a sick and twisted child I knew and always felt there was something wrong with me, but didn't know exactly so I was left in tears through a lot of my young years.  The memories I remember of my childhood I can probably count on one hand.  Blocking occasions out at my oneself wasn't a hard thing to do.  Understanding what I had to do to change.  Makes me think that no one did the worst imaginable to me, but maybe I was born with this way of being.  Also remembering how many times there I was wanting to kill someone.  Showing itself seemingly clear minded visually more and more often.  The fact that there were two different embodies inwardly of psychopaths I dealt with as a young child.  Leads me to believe that this was more than fate or a string of bad luck coming together, but things like this people are born with.  Right here in this time I have no power to point fingers to anyone because simple addition tells me I was born with these.  Yes I may have been able to let one go, but also recognizing the other was still well within that's why I have anger problems always ready to explode with stupid nonsense that shouldn't exist here next to me.  Wandering around the playground as an elementary student with one embody where I blacked out and reached for the unthinkable that labeled me as one who couldn't keep my hands to myself for the rest of my life, secondly the embody which had the desire to kill people day after day and eventually started showing me how it should be done.  Is the reason I tried killing myself a time or two.  The older I got the more I didn't want to go through those feelings any more, but didn't know how I could go about it.  One beautiful spur of the moment, most likely, it just hit me that the only way I could feel different was to change those two that embody myself within. 

If it wasn't for people in general I would probably still be living my life as if I had went through nothing my whole life.  I'm not happy that I remembered these things, but to also remember these that I overcame by myself, out of my will power, and the way it was done will always be with me filling me up pridefully.  As hard as my childhood was the need to tell one soul what I was going through didn't find anywhere near.  The capability to forgive and forget I did leave in the past there buried deeply.  This is the second time I am going through this, and this time when I leave it behind I am doing it in the light of course hoping it will stay here.  If it happens to come up again I will without a doubt give way to more of what I went through. 

From going through the childhood I did I learned a lot about pedophiles, serial killers, people in general, feelings, emotions, bodily motions, facial expressions, wants, needs, the mind, the heart, and myself indeed.  I came to understand these people as pedophiles, and serial killers are able to change if their help was done the right way.  What is wrong with them doesn't dwell in their minds but is something that is at will under all we come to know inside.  There are some that black out like I did, some are destroyed as I was to find we are someone this way, all have no control over this as it overpowers us that we do not know, and I remember what I went through to change so therefore older people of this nature the outlook is grim I hate to say.  I still believe that is not the final anyone can judge and point to!

A past of mine brings shame upon a shameless person, understanding in everything these embodiments of sin' swept through my life, knowledge that has the power to sustain me forever, confidence my self esteem never has to think twice of binding, and knowing myself inside and out by being in tune here and everywhere.  Definitely to see all the way through is that you wont ever find anyone better with this within than me, myself, and I.


~ Much Love & Respects ~
           FlowerStar

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Unconditional Love ~ A Road Less Traveled

No matter who you are, where you come from, and the language of your people. If you are someone I haven't met face to face or through a man made invention. I'll benefit the notion you are one and only like no other.

No matter what ups and downs time has arrayed in regards especially for you. Whether fate presents bitter or better that is meant your way in your name. I will lend optimism an open mind because you are one amongst billions.

Deep in my heart a warm blessing to know you simply because you are you... Who matters being one with this world, and living life set apart uniquely like our ancestors did way back when happily.

Swiftly our place is made, but ever where we use to meet the rising sun beginning our day isn't any longer. Maybe fall soundly asleep wandering a dream waiting on time to call an wake again. All other rest is granted therefore never knowing this world madly denying what could have been, or joyfully sharing keepsake memories with our loved ones these we fulfill no more.

A road less traveled, only walking a life lived by me. Often I graze proudly while fear holds no space deep within. Ultimately empowering my individuality. A hard life sure I admit plus painful to boot. Shame, is what I saw you thought preyed over me inside and out too huh. The price of course crept heavy burden oddly never minding my head, so here I wept and cried. Nevertheless a thrill ever so mellow balanced a mystery.

The walk my life came from this above I knew, and do value wondrously. Yes I understand one day my life I love will bring a new way unexpectedly.

My childhood treasures remember my gramma with her love and devotion. From this grand woman I learned what love is solely about. Seeing her gentle way I witnessed by my very eyes. Her sweet breath released not a sound underlining neither each dark night, nor every sunny day. For my gramma I adored paying admirable attention aside from my shortened electro mind. Later mesmerized in my find of a soulful foundation she powerfully bound down inside. I am to my grams in everlasting debt undoubtedly. With my immeasurable heart I wisely tend as she passed to me so beautifully. Without any doubt a feeling of floating within seems like a rare out of body experience extraordinaire.

Wholeheartedly indeed, my childish idea of love I graciously felt was but basic consideration which fondly stayed close in all of me.

If we met eye to eye, face to face, or hand in hand. A high chance may lay waiting for you specifically. In fact be kind, thus "enlightenment" only comes to those whose patience instills heartfelt truth you shall not miss undeniably.

If you, I have met misguided at least once. You are set to go without this I pompously state. Every one's destiny moves foward accordingly.

To abide such love in people suddenly seldom moments beg to throw asunder. I held love dear to everyone that didn't do what had strangely been done already.

Giving people a chance to express themselves without "they" dealing cards cast on a crooked bet. Inevitably the worst did happen up close right in front.

Why - because blasphemous delusional twisted lies and lies flew around the wind harshly. An image in no way shape or form was the least of any that wasn't to confront me personally. How I am boosting thank you, my life has repeatedly routed this way.  "The power" welcomes my walk of life that isn't pumpkin pie that's why! What else can I say?

I surely do "catch on fast". The ones who sought my name to use in everything slandered thereafter in vein. Whisk whisk sickened lies prepared and caked. Hesitance kept no tear I would smear time after time. Goodness my walk of life didn't impersonate was and is never faked.

The same was yesterday as it is today. I would tell you bluntly my side of the story and where it went awry. Also in different ways so if need be you can understand for yourself someday.

An early dream of mine, I was standing in the west among complete darkness facing two wolves. In the east two wolves; one, two, three, and four blood shot eyes flared staring straight into me as their kill. Instinctively this I could feel. Side by side, a growl wasn't heard through the two, and their gnashing fangs ready to maul were waiting to get ahold of me. Clearly I could see.  Drawing a lukewarm vision to dwell yet my future came to hold from people deceivingly.

Love granted my past, present, future, and slowly but surely defeating two wolves.  Truth and honesty brought attention to my life being scattered abroad.  My shattering realization  added many years I grew and binded into with these two. Communing my young abundant spirit from vision to vision. Two wolves infamously shared themselves a taste eternally left to silence and wonder.

Wind between my teeth that might turn ramblings my future will definitely not regret. Jealousy by you know who. Who doesn't ever seemingly grasp the whole reality by leaving any realm without imaginatively soothing me. It's true we both know the whole story, and still she never thanked me.

Like a sore thumb stretched out hoping a blind man would stop to pick up a lift. A place fast to hide as you stray from consequence. Reasons for your uncontrollable narrow minded hypocrisy. That be horrible if a person as this kept score, then you should dam well know a fall is all your awaiting for.

I'm not bothered any bit of how people look to my mind, body, or soul. What is bothersome, my years long enough endured and can't get through from here on my end across there. Ignorance desperately ignores my point earthed to  tell what is not from them. Everything new they're flattered too, and day after day don't forget their wish list fantastically expressed emotionally.
Easier said than done!!! Aint it?

Someday near, balance may appear as a rude awakening humbly towards you and passed me. Hopefully gather this to understand who you aren't truthfully!
Don't be so naive.

It's got nothing to do with the gates of heaven or the ferocious flames in hell. That a few claim I've been put down by someone, something, or positively otherwise fictitiously unknown.

If you are one who doesn't get what I say now, or after this I spare. Your q is this instance, so go and reflect amongst yourself what exactly it is you summon.

My beliefs remind me these days as it was said, "this world we are born is wicked and none worthy therein." Tho I whisper, "shit, there is nothing I can do", but life goes on in what form?

What I fend my favor so people can hear what I say, watch while I talk away, and at least give em' some shot in the dark that can help any this idea made believable to whom pays carefully. Yay or nay.

I make choices on behalf of no one, nor lead none to change beliefs or themes. Definitely would lay what I may on the line for who? To pick and choose...

Patience swept my rocky past atop solemn grounds. Certainly a deed gone on so long subtly lept into my quiet shy second nature.

In peace may I say, a walk in utmost concern literally putting   up a bout for my well being everyday.

In the name of love a fight is meaningless for keeps... What is readily mine is mine. Reward the life I walk openly.

...because of love I am able to accept the image bestowed on me upon the sight of time, and by supernatural I am able to understand why I walked in balance when there was no one to see but me.
As a river amidst natural beauty begins, and streams away in ever flowing ends

I embrace the existence of spirit, supernatural, dreams, and visions. Love is my reminiscence back to a young child when my grams taught me. This life I do in and outwardly love my "great" journey.

Dreams I travel along my destined direction, always in awe the way I find myself through, people who never knew they were seen too, dreams that spoke when no other would, and dreams that tell me about everything you couldn't think of.

My passion as a dreamer I truly believe. Beyond any pulse mine own life can fulfill even on a wild note.
 

Love spurs endless greetings my welcome made to those I haven't yet been introduced, or boldly written in the walk of life my ways have chosen without sense saying.

Each ounce honesty may devour I savour fruit not from taste, but my gift of life I cherish thankfully. An offering of undying respect praising my Creator.




~ Much Love & Respects ~
FlowerStar